Benevolent Doubt

The Posture That Helps You Avoid Unnecessary Suffering

The following excerpt comes from an exploration of Tenet Four, which reads: “Make a militant commitment to yourself to distinguish between what another person does, and the meaning you give to their behavior. There is no need for you to take responsibility for the former, and an absolute need for you to take responsibility for the latter. To varying degrees, you may be correct or incorrect in the meaning you give, but to know that you give it is essential.”

When we fail to distinguish between what happens and the meaning that we give to what happens, we place ourselves in a perilous situation relationally. To properly relate to people, we must relate to others as they are, and relate to ourselves as we are. When we conflate events and their meaning, we make it incredibly likely that we relate to others in fictional ways: not untrue, necessarily, but profoundly created.

When someone doesn’t call you back, it’s tempting to decide what that means. “They’re too busy for me,” “They don’t want to talk to me,” “They are so irresponsible,” or “They aren’t trustworthy” are all common meanings given to an unreturned phone call.