Stop Apologizing (When It's Not True or Right)

How False Apologies Serve the Self and Not the Community

The following excerpt comes from an exploration of Tenet Three, which reads: “Never apologize for something that you did not do. Likewise, never apologize for something you did do that was virtuous. At the same time, be quick to offer unreserved, unqualified apologies for things that you have done that were indicative of vice. In cases in which virtuous action unintentionally hurt another person, spend ample time understanding and expressing care for their pain, but do not apologize.”

When we apologize for something falsely, we do— indeed— lie. I don’t say that in judgment; I say it descriptively, in order to help us be curious about the purpose of the lie. Whenever we offer empty apologies, we feel the truth (in the form of not apologizing) to be dangerous.

One form of felt danger that we attempt to avoid through a false apology is the discomfort of conflict. Imagine yourself in a scenario in which someone is upset with you, and expressing their frustration. Perhaps they are a co-worker actively expressing their angst, by making a verbal complaint or raising their voice at you. Perhaps it’s a spouse or partner are doing it passively, walking around your house sighing, slamming cabinets, and banging pots/pans. Perhaps it’s a friend who starts to ignore you at social gatherings after a disagreement. Or, perhaps it’s a parent who bad-mouths you to your siblings. Imagine the feelings that stirs up for your, maybe in the form of indignation, guilt, shame, anger, or hurt.